The Artist Formerly Known As Tony Stark
by VampireApple
Summary: Steve compares Tony to Leonardo da Vinci and Tony takes it to heart. Crackfic.


It was all Steve's fault according to the team, and S.H.I.E.D. But no one cares about SH.I.E.L.D right now. Steve said it was all Tony, and Tony's ego's fault. The others would roll their eyes and say Steve should have taken said ego into account before he opened his big mouth. Regardless of who was at fault everyone agreed Steven started it.

It started off innocently enough. On a nice Sunday morning at the team's ("Ah, mine,"- Tony) vacation house in upstate New York. They were taking a break from S.H.I.E.L.D despite Fury's protests. But, really, no one can tell this group to do anything they don't really want to do. And they really wanted a vacation. Well, Natasha wouldn't have minded going on an interesting mission in Rio, but agreed to go with the team.

Bruce had made a wonderful meal and they were all happily eating. Tony decided it would be a good time to explain a new weapon he was making for Natasha.

"Wow," Steve said when Tony had finished. "You're like Leonardo da Vinci."

They stared at him with looks of bewilderment and questioning his sanity. Except Thor. Thor just looked confused.

"Ah, thank you?" Tony said.

"Who is this Leonardo da Vinci?" Thor asked.

"Oh, come on," Steve said. "Leonardo da Vinci was known in the 40's and I know the world hasn't forgotten about him."

"He was an artist," Bruce replied.

"I fail to see the similarities between him and Stark," Natasha said.

"Who is Leonardo da Vinci?" Thor asked again. Everyone ignored him.

"You seriously don't know what he did?" Steve asked.

"He painted the Mona Lisa," Tony said.

"The statue of David," Bruce offered.

"Didn't he do that chapel?" Clint asked.

"That was Michael Angelo," Natasha corrected. Clint shrugged.

Steve paused a moment. Everyone was looking at him expectantly, except Thor, who was pouting because everyone was ignoring him. It was rare that he knew something that the rest didn't. And it was about culture no less. He saved the feeling. It wouldn't last. "Seriously, none of you know? He did more than art."

"The history of a dead artist doesn't interests me much," Clint said. Natasha nodded.

"I studied science, not art," Bruce explained.

"Not my area," Tony commented.

Thor went back to eating, ignoring the rest of them. As they weren't paying attention to him, his ignoring them went unnoticed.

"Well, most of what I learned was from school," Steve said.

"I don't think any of us really had a normal schooling," Tony said dryly.

"Yes, he was a great artist, but he also built weapons. Most of them ingenious," Steve explained. "He designed chariots that had scythes on them, a multi-barreled cannon and an eighty-six foot long cross bow, among other weapons. He also came up with the idea for a parachute and scuba gear, even if he was not successful in his attempts."

"Well, now you've inflated his ego even more, comparing him to such a famous historical figure," Clint rolled his eyes.

Bruce snorted.

The group looked to Tony, waiting for his reaction. Steve, Clint and Bruce felt dread creep down their spine at the expression on his face. Thor was still ignoring them, so he missed the look. Natasha wouldn't admit to anything scaring her. Even if she did Tony Stark would not be on that list. She knew for a fact Tony was scared of her and would make every effort not to piss her off.

Tony smiled innocently at them and left the room. The rest of the meal was eaten in silence.

One week, then two, then three passed and Tony seemed to have forgotten about the conversation about Leonardo da Vinci. The group took a collective breath of relief. It was Bruce who discovered the bad news.

He was going on an early morning walk ("You're going at 3am. That's not morning, it's the middle of the night,"- Clint) through a park when a new exhibit of abstract art caught his attention. It had several spot lights on it and looked vaguely familiar. He wandered over to it. It was two pieces of metal that might have been I beams and bridge cables twisted together. The whole thing rested on a circular concrete platform. He moved around it and saw a plague.

_**Glory of the Bridge Battle**_

_Tony Stark_

_Generously donated to the public by Stark Industries. This modern art piece is actual debris from a battle Iron Man fought in to save the world. The artist, Tony Stark, regrets to inform the public that he cannot divulge any more information because some people are paranoid. _

Three hours found Bruce, Steve, and Clint in front of the 'abstract art'.

"Its not as bad has it could have been," Clint offered. "He could have done a nude of himself."

"Its… charming," Steve said.

"This is only the beginning," Bruce predicted.

Over the next month more battle 'art pieces' appeared all over the city. Tony never profited, but all the Avengers gained popularity. He had all his work copy righted, and wouldn't allow merchandizing. His art work became very popular tourist destinations. Entertainment shows went wild. Tony even went on a few. The others in the Tower leaned to accept and ignore.

Well, ignore until one morning Steve woke up with paint being splattered on him.

He jerked, and went to sit up "What-"

"Don't move!" A voice commanded. Steve, ever the good soldier, froze. He was on his back in his bed, none of his covers on him, and his pillow was missing. Tony was standing over him, lots of five gallon buckets of paint at his feet. Tony had taken a giant paint brush from one and had splattered Steve's chest with a pretty blue color.

"Tony," he asked in a resigned tone "what are you doing?"

"I thought I should go more into paint," the billionaire replied. "Expand my area." He took a green covered blush and flicked paint on Steve's arm.

"Tony. I'm not a piece of art."

The genius rolled his eyes. "The sheet behind you. Your outline. Going to hang it in Grand Central Station. Might call it Shadow of Captain America. Maybe Freedom's Shadow."

He grabbed three brushes together. The super soldier's legs were soon covered in red, yellow and orange. He heard a camera go off and saw Clint in the corner.

"That tears it." He moved to get up.

"Wait! Wait! If you stay I… I'll… I won't say a sarcastic thing to you all day."

"To everyone for a week."

"To you for a week and I'll donate $100,000 to your favorite charity."

"Done."

Steve wondered is he would come to regret this.

A week later the team captain had had enough. It was time to bring out the big guns.

"Pepper, do you have a moment?" he asked politely from her office door.

Pepper looked up from a report she had been working on. "Yeah, come on in."

"I need some help with Tony."

Pepper rolled her eyes. "What has he done this time?"

"Its about his art."

"Oh? I thought it was going rather well."

"Well, we weren't aggravated by it until… he stated to involve us."

Pepper raised her eyebrows.

"Well, he did that- and I use this term lightly- paint of me. He put part of Thor's cape in a mason jar of Red Bull. He took a lock of Clint's hair and super glues it to a bunch of feathers he stuck in a walking stick. He got Hulk to use his fingers to make a smiley face in a door of a restaurant freezer that had come off. He's making plans to get Fury's eye patch. The only one he hasn't bothered is Natasha because she told him she's kill him."

Pepper looked thoughtful. "That is a problem."

Steve looked hopeful. "Can you fix it?"

"I could, yes. But it wouldn't be as effective as… and I'd have to put up with a sulking Tony… Make sure the team is at lunch tomorrow. Tell them Bruce is cooking."

Everyone loved when Bruce cooked. It would be the easiest way to gather everyone together and get Tony out of his lab without suspicion. Steve was certain whatever plan Pepper had would work.

Lunch the next day went well. Bruce's food was fantastic as usual. The team was all in the dining room. JARVIS alerted Pepper when everyone was sitting down and eating. She walked into the room with the air of a really annoyed mother.

"Anthony Howard Stark."

Tony froze imminently, a guilty look on his face. He didn't even know what he had done ("You're always doing something, its if I find out about it"- Pepper) this time It was just that _tone_ she had.

Pepper crossed her arms and looked sternly at Tony. "Have you purposefully been creating artwork that makes your teammates uncomfortable? Shame on you. That is a horrible thing for you to do. From now on you are only allowed to use 8x10 printer paper and it will only be displayed on the frig. I know you want to let out your inner artist, but not at the expense of team comradeship."

"Can someone please tell me why a girl half my age can make me feel like a five year old caught with his hand in the cookie jar?" Tony muttered into the ensuring silence.

"Would you like something to eat?" Bruce offered. "I made creamy chicken soup and grilled cheese sandwiches."

"Yes, thank you Bruce," Cecil smiled at him. She sat down between him and Steve.

Over the next several weeks some very pretty finger painting pictures graced the frig. Pepper even got most of the team to contribute their own art. Tony Stark's art career never went any further. Everyone at the Tower was okay with this ("I'm not okay with this!"- Tony). Everyone whose opinion mattered was okay with that fact. Relative harmony reigned in the Tower once again. For a little while.


End file.
